THE GREATEST GIFTS COME FREE

"Love where for art thou? Shall i ever experience your warmth? Do you even exist? If so present yourself to me. I swear I'll try my hardest to make us work but until then i am forced to fill my heart with superficial and inconsequential pasatiempos"
--a young man wrote this..thought it was one of the realest statements i'd ever seen

one night while I went to go read the bible I prayed to God that he can direct me towards the message he would like me to receive that night. I always pray and ask God for this, close my eyes, and open the bible at a random selected page. God spoke to me and it is was written in the Songs Of Solomon 3:1-5

"Upon my bed at night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer. I will rise now & go about the city, in the streets & in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not. The watchmen found me, as they went about in the city. Have you seen him whom my soul loves? Scarcely had I passed them, when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him & would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the deer of the field, THAT YOU STIR NOT UP NOR AWAKEN LOVE UNTIL IT PLEASE."

Therefore, I will be patient. I will become the greatest woman I can be. Love will one day find me and I will be ready for it then.
I hold faith in God & in this I do BELIEVE<3

i forgot you

you know how you can tell when you forgotten somebody..when you can look back at the things you've said or written and laugh. i think i just laughed at my foolishness right now or well i don't really know but i just think its funny. when time passes and you can look back at the bad memories and laugh well thats when you know you've moved on forward....everytime i move forward though i still wonder where do those feelings that you had go to, what place are they saved at. Everytime i ever felt anything for someone it was truly sincere. I can't imagine how something like that could possibly just disappear. Now that i really think about it i guess for me they never do disappear they just..change.

Remember When....

I haven't posted anything here in about almost 2 months. I got tired of writing letters to my king and tired of being disappointed by every man that I met. Queen was done and meeting guys now I find myself unable to let go. Sorry, if I just decided that being that nice girl wasn't taking me far. Wale just put it all together, this song is too real....

reading my book

THIS IS ME: "a very compassionate person who trys to front like shes big and bad.. deep down you love attention but u dont like it from just anyone.. so u dont really accept it when people give it to u.... ur funny and u like someone else who can be that while just being themself.. u love a man thats ambitious bc u have your own goals in life and u need someone to go stride for stride with u... your very competitive but u love a man who can be just as if not more competitive than you because thats an overbearing trait for passive men.... i know this isnt about me but i think u would love for me to be closer because i am what u like in a man.. its just the distance makes it difficult... u love being spontaneous but you are very very selective with when and how u go about that fun..u wish u could find someone similar to you"

i had to copy and paste this onto my blog! hes dope for this one.got a hand clap and everything live on skype lol..i couldn't believe how he completely read me right on through im so grateful to have met him on spring break in florida. guys im only looking at him as a friend relax! lol..but he is funny i peeped the way he tried to be slick and sneak that lil line in there. We are very honest with each other though and he knows the deal and were both realistic>>we are states apart from each other so that could never work out.

the classsics

TRUTH

i accepted it.
his name was being written on my heart...i found the answer hidden underneath the layers of pride which i bear.

You told me you still felt for me but how is that possible when you can go and be with someone else. You tell me you don't want to lose me. However, if you also truly meant it when you said that we should keep moving on with our lives and see where time takes us than how do you expect for me to stay. I can only keep moving if I let you go. I'm so sorry that you may not realize how much it hurts to do this but I have to say bye to us. I wished that you could have noticed all that I had for you. It was right in front of you but I just can't wait for you. I know you told me your parents story of how people break apart but the feelings always stay the same. I know you wanted a real love like that. For me, I found it with you. I didn't expect for it to happen either or for it to be so soon in my life. I just don't think that all real loves need to pass a test of time in order to be true. Some just happen that way right from the beginning and its better to let it fluorish. Then, to just see it all go to waste. I can only hope the best for you and that you will find exactly what you are looking for.
Goodbye Rodrigo<3

Art C.P.R.

Scorpio Essence
"I have the emotional capacity of a murderer and a dreamer. My anger is unyielding in any force field I choose. My pain makes my lungs shrivel up and unleashes vigorous forces of gravity on the muscles that lift the corner of my lips. I promise you that you wont ever find another lover like me where passion is the only consistency flowing throughout my veins and apathy is the only adjective lacking in my brain and sometimes I wish everyone felt this way"

Excerpt-I Call Him My Dying King:
"I fill mounds of scrap paper and files of this over-sentimental bullshit that parades through me. My eyes are dry from reading excerpts upon excerpts of my own words repeated with synonyms. I have an incapability to not repeat the past and I have no idea how to change my footing..."

The Perfect Words

"In time, the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let it go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong, I’d write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then, you’d gone on with your life and I didn’t want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn’t ever want to lose that."

- The Notebook.

its not that im afraid, its that sometimes you have to know when its time to give up

I forgot to write that it turns out he didn't stand me up. There was a valid reason. Hes an interesting person. We been gettin together with our friends and chillin alot these past few days. Im really just coolin though and just having fun. As of now though everything I said about guys in my last post is still the same. I've decided to honestly stop hoping for anything anymore. They fail all too frequently and im sick of trying. All im looking for is a friendship with this guy nothing more.

EMPTY BOTTLE OF HOPE

i definitely just got stood up for the first time. i was supposed to hang out with this guy hes cool and were always running into each other. well, he hit me up and we were txtin and made plans to chill. the last thing he asked was how to get to my house and i gave him the directions. After that, i told him to let me know when hes on his way. He never responded and i sent him another message like im bettin ur ass went home to change cause he was at work when we were txtin. Yeaup its been 2 hours, he didn't hit me back up to say anything and he didn't show up. Thats nice. I really just never thought guys would go as far as to do something like that. Like damn, at least say no you can't chill or something. It just surprises me after all the shit i've been through. Guys never fail to disappoint. I think i dont even care anymore love is bullshit. Im going back to sticking to my original plan. I'm just gonna get my career set have my own beautiful condo with a nice view. A rocking chair, a dog, a big kitchen, wine, and some good books. I'm not getting married. I don't want that crap anymore. I will not speak to guys on a level other than friendship and I am pushing away anyone who tries to get close. Sorry but i don't want that anymore. FUK A KING. THIS IS SUPER QUEEN!

Destiny

two of my favorite artist put together into one track=MAGIC<3
i already loved the song but with Drake finally hopin on the track it just got the added touch it nededed to be completely official.



Drake's Verse -

Taz keeps telling me he just turned thirty
having dreams of being single forever he's getting worried
and im SCARED too because im in the same boat
good women are RARE too, none of them have came close
Me i haven't changed much
you know how i play it better safe then sorry
instead of searching for substance at every single party
baby being part of this life i feel like im bound to end up with somebody that's been with everybody
I need you to rescue me from my destiny
im trying to live right and give you whatever is left of me
cause you know life is what we make it
and a chance is like a picture it'd be nice if you just take it
or let me take it for ya, im just down to ride
or we can just roll around the city till you finally decide
got more then a thing for you, tattoo and ink for you
right over my heart , girl ill do the unthinkable

I Just Hope You Miss Me A Little When Im Gone

I miss him right now. I know moments like this will happen but I will overcome them. A time will come where I won't miss him anymore.



"i was planning on being something worth mentioning,energy invested in someone i saw potential in"

El Amor De Abuelita..The Love of a Grandmother

Tonight, my grandmother called me while i was layin about in my room. She was alone in her apartment and she wasn't tired so she wanted to talk and hit me up. I thought it was so cute. Well as always grandma started to talk to me about the old days and about when she was my age. I enjoy listening to her stories though and I always pay close attention. Even though times have changed most situations that occur tend to be the same. She told me about how easier it was when a guy talked to a girl. In her country, the guy would visit the girls house and they would sit in the front and just talk. They didn't really go out on dates and of course there wasn't any cellphones or txting. All you had was that home phone lol. Now things are more complicated. My grandma believes these days its rare for anyone to believe in long term love. Now if my grandma says this then it must be serious. However, im still keeping the hope alive. The rest of our conversation i ended up telling her about the guy i been trying to get over. She knows him already though cause he met my entire family. I told her what recently happened and the whole situation. The advice she went on to give me was so valuable and refreshing. She told me that it doesn't matter if a man knows you end up talking to another man. He won't wonder off to another girl, he will do watever it is to conquer you and take you away from him. I had thought maybe it was my fault that he decided to be with that girl. That in someway maybe i pushed him because he could have been talking to her but only made the choice to take things more seriously once he heard i was talking to someone else. However, my grandma made it clear that whenever a man really cares for a woman he will do whatever he needs to have/keep her. My grandma believes love is already rare so her views are a bit pessimistic. She went on though and said she doesn't feel he cares that much for me. "No te supo valora solamente te tiene de reserva y esta por ahi picando..el es una picaflor"-He didn't know how to appreciate me when i was there for him with open arms. He just has me as a standby while he roams free jumpin between women (that was the most literal translation i could give). Ethier way grandma motivated me to let go of it already completely. She gave me that extra push i needed to just forget him. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. I'm done trying.

he never knew...

so i went from bein on skype to wonderin about him and reflectin back to all the conversations we use to have there which then ALL lead me to this funny lil button which read from the beginning i clicked it and out popped up all the chat conversations we ever had a skype all the way from the beginning. I could have closed it and not read it but i was curious. Oh the things curiosity will do to a person smh. As i sat there and read everything through i laughed at all the funny things we would talk about and smiled at the things he would say to let me know everything was ok or to make me feel better. I wore the same smile I had when I was falling for him. That smile was the start of everything. I kept reading on and on. We would talk about everything..school, money, our futures, our families, work, religion, and politics. how much american culure sucks! After reading all of it, I just don't get it. I try to make sense out of it but I just don't understand. I don't get how we could of had such a strong connection and then he can just go and be with someone else. How does he even commit to somebody else like that? I hope he truly is happy. I really am sorry for having dealt with everything in such an immature manner when things were starting to get serious. I shouldn't have held back I should of been straight up with him but i was never fake. I never played any games with him and I was truly sincere. I opened up myself to him but I was afraid of that feeling I would get whenever I was around him. I would run from it inside. I should of just faced it and took the chance. Now its all done and over with. All that just gone to waste and he will never know that I was so close to thinking he was the ONE for me. He told me he wanted to be my king and he never found out that I actually wanted to be his Queen. All i have left now are the memories and i will never forget him.

"sometimes you just need to start again in order to fly"

Makin Space

Dear King,

I thought about how I haven't written to u in a while. I was so busy with school over the semester but it was well worth it. Of course, I managed to bang out another nice ass GPA. Your queen has a big brain! LOL :) Everything is going great in my life as far as school, work, and all that other stuff. Just a bit of a mess in my current love department. But you probably realize by now how so common that is for me until of course I met you and things came together and made sense. Its all a process though you know u live and u learn. I am smart but im not perfect. Btw if I don't already tell you this enough I want u to know how much I truly do appreciate you in my life considering im a handful to deal with lol. I have the strangest mood swings hahaa but thanks for your patience babe! :P<3 Just today I cut things off with this guy I had been talking to but it wasn't like he did anything wrong. On the contrary, everything was going fine and he treated me really good. We had one incident but after that he apologized and changed completely. The reason I let him go though was because as good as things were I just wasn't really feeling that connection with him partially due to the fact that I still hold feelings for someone else. So that doesn't make it any better. I still need to move on somewhat from this other guy. I been trying for a while and I thought things were good till I talk to him again and then im like fuk i still like u alot. All that must change now though cause he just got a new girlfriend so after thinking alot of things through and all the things he said to me, I decided its best to let go of that too. Im not holding on to it anymore. It wouldn't make sense he fell for someone else and hes happy. Why would I keep waiting around like a fool. So im saying bye to everyone and doin it solo dolo. Im alone but im happy though babe :)<3. Everyday is a steppin stone closer to you and me finding each other. I don't know where u are rite now or what your going through but I promise that when you find me I will be there for you and I will wash away all the pain ever inflicted on your heart. These letters help me to continue having hope and give me a form of release for all the love I carry inside. It's all just waiting until you find me so it can burst out and share it with you. Im not really patient that's my problem. But im workin on that now<3 Goodnite My KING :)


I LOVE YOU

I finally found my way

Hey Everyone!

It's been a while since I've written but I just been really busy. Everything is going good though I can't complain. You know how it is everyday another new learned lesson in life. I'm very content though with my life at the moment. I'm keeping up the positive mentality and focusing on my priorities. I've calmed down alot as far as not trying to control everything in my life and just letting things rock. I'm just living and finding the good in the bad. Things have become easier for me to deal with these days with the new attitude I've attained. I don't complain about things, I just lovee it!! :)...I do feel as though there really aren't enough hours in a day to do everything I would like to do lol..but yes thats something else we'll have to work on. Well I'm off I'll be on this more frequently over the next few days with updated details and such. Goodnite!

Peace, Love, and Happiness<3

He was my short story

I just don't get why forgetting you is harder than I thought it would be it's usually easy for me to move on and get over people .. What kills me the most is that u seem to have forgot about me so easily<3

here we go again ..

uh-lalala the wonders of life..I just lie in amazement at the way things work out. I must announce theres this new guy lol. I know I really thought I was done. However, shit! hahaha things just happen out of no where. I am still the AlphaFemale and I still have the same plans to live it up this year. My adventures start this weekend I'm going club hopping in the city with my 21 ID YAY :) were talkin Marquee, Greenhouse, M2 Ultralounge, Pink Elephant, and 40/40. MONEY TO BLOW&BOTTLES POPPIN<3..

(I have many surprises coming up)

through the music

im speaking passionately heartfelt cause im the girl who you wanna take to bed like j.holiday im the girl who will cater to you the way beyonce says but my heart is damaged like danity kane so how you gonna fix it, im holdin on your rope got me ten feet off the ground and im hearin what your sayin but i just can't make a sound you tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down..one republic speak for me the rest its funny because every song played in order like i was hearing my story but theres one last thing missing he doesn't--wanna be,chris brown...please treat me like you'll never see me again alicia keys<3

Young, Rich, and Beautiful

Hello Beautiful People!! The day isn't done for me yet on the contrary it is only 4PM and I still have much to get done today. It's funny how when your trying to be on the move you realize it feels like there is never enough time to get everything you need done. It's all okay though you just have to keep going..NO SLACKING..not when your trying to be on your A-Game. My womens studies class this morning was interesting. Our teacher spoke much about the way people believe photographs to be realistic portrayals of the world around us. One snapshot away from capturing a real life image. However, even photographs have their own subjectivity. Journalist write reports and pick the best image out of a bunch of shots that best fits in with their story. In the same way, photographers choose what they will take pictures of out of everything in their surroundings and on which angle. All of this combines to form the subjective perception made on a photo by a photographer tearing up the photographical myth that photos are realistic. I could go into more details on explaining this topic but I would like to touch upon more things plus I think I'd like to rest my brain. My blog is my time away from everything including academics which are overwhelming me right now. On another note, I've been having this growing addiction to shoes. I think I just found some stores with some hot shoes to feed my new shoe fetish and there inexpensive. Good name brand shoes for cheap?!? Now that's an offer not worth missing out on. I'm planning alot for this semester along with my part-time party life lol. It's all time management so as long as I'm organized and get my work done on time I feel its okay to treat myself to a night out with my girls. Speaking of which, this weekend I should be getting my fake ID..bahahaha "BAD ASS" lol. I'll only be using this for a year and some of you are now wondering why spend the money for it then but uhh yeaa fuck that I'm living life! The plans are already set every weekend me, my roomie, and my boy Cedric are out to NYC. My boy is the CEO of his own entertainment company so he always knows about whats happening around the city. And if you figured it out, he will also be helping me by introducing me to Drake lol..hopefully if we happen to be at the same place at the same time. I honestly just think he would be an interesting person to meet..him and Alicia Keys too. So as for now, the days will be seeming a little monotonous but with having my car on campus soon, focusing on my academics during the weekdays, working three days a week at school, weekend party life in the city, shadow physician program at the hospital in April, real estate classes and certification in April, and we can't forget my spring break trip to Panama City in March too. I'm thinking life is about to get pretty freakin GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Once all my plans start to kick in this monotmous life will take a turn.

Please Check Out Robin Thicke's New Album....Yeaa I need a man like that! lol
these tracks have been on repeat for me: Sex Therapy and Meiple



Ladies And Gentlemen,
Remember to Live the Life You Love, Love the Life You Live
You are all BEAUTIFUL....Smile everyday even if your day is going bad just Smile believe me even little things like that can change alot

LOVE, PEACE, & HARMONY
AlphaFemale<3

SHES BACK!

I would like to announce the arrival of the lost me, "Divalicious". I thought I told you I'm a STAR! I retired the game a while back but I missed the way it tasted. At the beggining of my college career, I decided to embark on finding a new me. I isolated myself from my old world, met new people, and experienced new things. Now its time to take the things that I have learned and integrate them with the old me. Well, at least I mean its time to mesh the old positives with the new positives and remove all that negative waste. This blog will now include the daily movements of my new lifestyle. Many can try to live the way I live but the difference is few can ever be me. I'm here to bring you a taste of the newly refined "Divalicious". Trust me things are about to get really fun. As for this so called love department, I think I'll be just fine. I'm not giving up hope on love because my heart still believes that in this cruel world true love does exist and it will find me. I will no longer be writing letters to my king on my blog. I probably will keep writing to him though but on paper because it is something special I hope to share with him when we do meet. I know if my King were with me right now he would wants this for me. This new Diva is ready to take on the world. I'm very serious on that too I'm speaking worldwide ;). Success has been waiting for me for far too long and I'm only a few steps away. Tommorow will be the first day.

LOVE, PEACE & HARMONY
AlphaFemale<3


Defenitely Check Out The Album Only By The Night By Kings of Leon..


Sidenote: I'm interested in getting to know Aubrey Graham better known to everyone as Drake. Just cause he's famous doesn't mean I can't hang out with him MAYBEEE and learn about each other..lol..so whats up Aubrey? we can exchange numbers :)

Touchdown

"maybe your looking for something you don't need right now"--some enlightening words from a friend I'm grateful for the people I have in my life. It's interesting people spend time looking for something they don't find and they wonder why they don't instead of questioning maybe it's just not time yet there probably other things your missing on and not paying attention too because your so focused on finding that one thing. Well, I'm done looking time to just look around at what I have right now and do with whatever comes my way. I think I finally understand what that means. People find it easy to say things but never find the way to actually live by them. I'm happy I just found the way. This is the beginning of a new journey.

This too shall pass

FML..mood swings here we go..I wonder how long me being down is going to last? Pause: funny thing is I'm in the car writing on here from my iPhone and I just saw a sign that says God Gives Hope..ironically that's all I needed to hear right now..patience.

I could use somebody

Dear King,

Life has been going pretty interesting to say the least. I wasn't feeling very happy yesterday as I was experiencing a mental storm of conflicting thoughts while trying to analyze and make a decision on what would be my next step. But you know me and I am a very strong person and at this point I decided to wash away the storm and put a smile on my face. Somethings you just will never have control over so its not about what decision I make its about letting life take its course. I'm just living everything out. That guy I was talking to said things that felt hurtful to me but at the same time drew me so confused. Confused in a way that I found it so shocking that he could be able to speak in such a manner. I am a firm believer in honesty but the matter of the fact is that it went beyond honesty. It drew a reflection of the person he very well is. Strong superficial lenses covering a man in his quest to seek the life of money and power that he has become way too vain to see what beauty looks like. I had never met a person like him, he most certainly proved unique. A man who looks at woman and in an instant is ready to pick out flaws. What he needs is a re-evaluation of the woman he holds so high up on a pedestal that he so constantly comapares to the women he meets. I did feel a great connection with him and its something I probably will miss. But I could never stand to be with a person who looks at me with eyes glaring at my imperfections. A man who cares will always be able to see past the imperfections and see you for your entirety. He will make a woman feel beautiful and happy. He will treat her like the queen she really is. Because inside his heart he feels joy in seeing her smile. He couldn't see me because he was too busy looking around for the imperfections. Now I'm done writing my thoughts but the problem im having is not being sure if I am perceiving the situation the right way..but in the end I wouldn't feel comfortable with him, his eyes scream ugly at me. So I believe thats enough to leave a situation just be. KING WHERE ARE YOU?!! come to me nowwwwww!....well blahh blahhh i know be PATIENT. I'm going to go focus on my academics now with the start of this new semester. I love you very much and were the shit!...KISSES<3 :)

ps. I deleted the devil, facebook. I needed to get rid of all the distractions right now and get my head in the game. I have alot of goals to accomplish this semester.

Journey to My King

this is one of my favorite def jam poems
she speaks, TRUTH!
i remember the first time i heard this i was going through some hard times and i was trying to figure out a way to pick myself up and when i came across this womans strong words she gave me the inspiration to hold steady and keep the faith alive. All my thoughts combined into one piece. I been in a relationship with myself for 20 years now and were doing better everyday!! :)

thoughts

i like him and sometimes i feel like he likes me too but other times i feel like he doesn't.

love is the most powerful gift

There changing my house again there renovating the basement which is goin to become my room...but as always when things get cleaned out you find the oldest things, memories lying under piles of papers covered in times dust..a picture of my ex, a card from him on my birthday...Todays kennys birthday, my friend krystinas ex..just when i finished reading the words my ex had written to me in the card she called me and told me she remembered it was her exs birthday and decided to text him. She sent him a text to the old phone number of his she had saved suprised to have him sent her a response because she thought maybe it wasnt his number anymore. High School sweethearts that no longer exist. Those were the days. Young, crazy, in love for the first time, and doing shit you would never do again. A love so innocent untainted by the foolish games that people learn to play in the unforgiving relationship cycles. Together experiencing the growth from girl to woman and boy to man. A beautiful undying memory that will last through time and always have a piece of your heart. We only hold strong to the truth that everything happens for a reason. I am starting to believe though that deep down inside everyone yearns for a love this special. This kind of love which is pure and free of any superficial desires. Sometimes it's not the person but what they made you feel that you miss. The problem is sometimes people grow addicted to love. It's hard to grasp the fact that at one moment you had one of the most powerful gifts in the world and then it gets taken away from you. Then you need to learn to live again but the thing about it is that once you've had it life is never the same anymore. You get hurt, you get up again, you get hurt, you get up again. Its the addiction.

Self to Heart

Dear Heart,
I know that since the day you were made you were blessed with so much power and strength. Everyday I look around the world it is not my brain that receives the sensory information first but rather you. Your the one that makes me feel you are the essence of my human connection with other people. I know sometimes you cry because you wonder why some people may abuse you but you have to understand that not everyone is as gifted as you. If it weren't for my brains logical senses you would be caught up in bad situations. So instead when you get abused don't cry feel joy because you were able to see the lights of love shine through my eyes a love so many people choose to deprive their hearts of. Without this love, hearts grow cold and shrink until they disappear. You my beautiful heart are cherished everyday by me and I promise you that I will never allow you to become cold. I hold faith to keep your beats going that one day you will find a person whose heart matches with yours and that you will share beats together and make songs. Until then I'll keep helping you beat and your beats will keep reminding me of the reasons life is worth living. I love you<3

The Pieces of Me

ok so heres the way the cookie rolls..im probably insecure sometimes, i can talk alot, i have crazy mood swings, and i think way too much about everything..but i don't even care anymore because thats just the way i am..i may be annoying to people sometimes but its like the saying goes if you can't handle me at my worse then you can't have me at my best..i have flaws and i acknowledge and accept all of them and i love myself so much just the same with flaws and all...i don't need your love i don't need you to like me...and just as i have flaws i also know what makes me different..i have the biggest heart in the world filled with so much compassion and im always there for people and im sincere...i like to have fun and be a dork and being weird is cool fuk that normal serious shit..and i have dreams to fill miles and even though some people think there impossible i know im going to accomplish every single one of them..i have drive i have so much passion..and i love to love!...my biggest fear is myself<3

VENTING @4am

i feel like such an asshole/fool/retard...where did all my cojones go?! UGH SMHHHH im so mad at myself!..i never felt so scarred about openin up to someone the way i do with him..i like him alot and thats what makes it scary for me...ive been hurt so many times before but i know i can't blame him but i am succeeding at messing this whole thing up with us..i don't want him to turn his back on me :/...and i don't want to move things slower i don't even know why when he asked me that i said yes! if anything i liked the pace we were going i just wish we could try seeing each other more maybe that would help but slowing it down for what! likeeee jesh ive been getting cool with him for like 8 months now...FML if theres anything i really want deep down inside its to get closer with him i want to free myself of the cage ive built for my heart and i know hes worthy of it...im just so damn stubborn......................

im goin to sleep now,
im gonna go crawl into my turtle shell =(
GOD please help me, he has no idea<3

In My Dreams...

i want to take an adventure through the city in the car with the windows down and the sun covering my face as i jam to the music of john legend and then stop at a museum and look at all the different art pieces and escape to different places in the world. i want to run around and act like little kids with no worries and pretend that i can fly and become a pretty green and blue butterfly. i want to look at the world from a new perspective literally and climb to the rooftop of a building and for once just stare down at the world and feel like time just stopped for us. i want to kiss you at the top of a lighthouse overlooking the water everytime the light turns on just to feel the magic between our lips as the waves crash in the sea. i want to feel a love that makes me feel free.

KING<3

im gonna end this with a video i found that coincidentally actually fits extremely well with this post...pretty crazy! but the universe speaks :)..its one of my favorite songs by John Legend<3

Element of Freedom

"I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly"

-The Greatest, Alicia Keys

The world on fire and I wait to be saved by you

Dear King,

Hey!!! sorry I haven't been writing to you in a while but I was away on vacation in DR. I have so much to tell you though! I wish you were here to help me cause I have alot on my mind today and I need someone that I trust like you to talk to me. My king I'm starting to feel sick of people. I feel like alot of the people around me aren't being themselves and there so lost on trying to be like each other. It's disgusting =/. I also can't stand the people that try to act like there your friend to your face but then tell lies and talk behind your back. Everyday I feel like theres less and less "real" people left in this world. I start to feel like I'm the only one and one of the few who notices all this about the people in this world. I won't lie I've gotten used to people changing and walking out. I never hope for anything or have any expectations. Like the saying goes "people come and go like seasons" and I've grown to accept that. I look at the people around me as temporary. They all might be on the same path as me now but one day they'll decide to walk in another direction. The only people who will always be walking behind me is my family. When we meet king I know you'll finally be there too holding my hand and walking on the same path with me together. I have faith that when we meet maybe you can convince me that there is such a thing as someone being there for you until the end. Well my king I just needed to vent to you. I love you veryyy much! I'm going to go lay down now for a little off to my dream place you'll know what its like there eventually :)...heres a song for you<3