Between the love

It's been a while since I've wrote on here. Much has changed in my life over the last few years. I've enjoyed the pace that I've went and I'm still just as in love with the idea of love as I was back then. I'm graduating next month after a long journey. The goal was always to finish at the end of the day anyway. I knew that no matter what I went through I would get my college degree. I'm excited for the other steps in my life I'll be embarking on. As for the the things between it all. I became close friends with a guy and during a vulnerable point found myself lost in what I thought was love. I don't even know if vulnerable is the appropriate word because I believe this happens to everyone. However, I was met with more than just a twist of fate in this thought to be love story. I got pregnant. I had already made a promise to myself years ago though that if this ever happened I would keep it. The consequences were mine to face and a moment like that wasn't deserving of a shortcut route. I would be responsible and understand the blessing behind it. Through this promise, I had a beautiful baby girl. Her smile births love everyday. I don't regret my choice at all. I truly believe in the forces of the universe and she was destined to be my child. As for the father, I'm only focused on building a healthy co-parenting relationship. Our personal relationship got too mixed up. When the real came out, we became completely incompatible. I tried to force a love that wasn't there and only made myself miserable. I lived in tears and pain before deciding to finally break free. I knew that if this was how my life was going to be forever that I couldn't continue doing it. In the mist of this awakening, I met a man. He became a close friend and we shared similar situations in our love life. Fast forward, I've tread cautiously only to discover that he is pure love. He makes me feel warm inside, motivates me to be a better me, makes me feel protected. He knows what I've been through and he understands me. He's willing to fight for me. He doesn't mind my insecurities because he has such a deep faith in our future. Everything about him and about us is beautiful. We just want better and want to be better. He takes me higher mentally and physically. He challenges me like nobody ever could before. When we connect, it's like we are traveling somewhere far together. Its the craziest thing what experiences do to you. We've both become so strong in our own ways. It's that same strength that holds us tighter. We just know that we don't want to be anywhere else. It's this mutual feeling of "this right here needs to work". It probably will too and we know it. Because it's almost so effortless. I've always heard a good relationship is one that takes effort but not that much effort. You can find a person that shares enough with you to make it easier and the two of you can be happy together. Life is going to be hard. The ultimate gift is a person that can keep you up when your down. He's my partner in life and I hope we don't mess up and lose each other. My job now is to be his woman and give him what he needs. I cannot fail at holding him down. My goal is to be his wife.

THE GREATEST GIFTS COME FREE

"Love where for art thou? Shall i ever experience your warmth? Do you even exist? If so present yourself to me. I swear I'll try my hardest to make us work but until then i am forced to fill my heart with superficial and inconsequential pasatiempos"
--a young man wrote this..thought it was one of the realest statements i'd ever seen

one night while I went to go read the bible I prayed to God that he can direct me towards the message he would like me to receive that night. I always pray and ask God for this, close my eyes, and open the bible at a random selected page. God spoke to me and it is was written in the Songs Of Solomon 3:1-5

"Upon my bed at night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer. I will rise now & go about the city, in the streets & in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not. The watchmen found me, as they went about in the city. Have you seen him whom my soul loves? Scarcely had I passed them, when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him & would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the deer of the field, THAT YOU STIR NOT UP NOR AWAKEN LOVE UNTIL IT PLEASE."

Therefore, I will be patient. I will become the greatest woman I can be. Love will one day find me and I will be ready for it then.
I hold faith in God & in this I do BELIEVE<3

i forgot you

you know how you can tell when you forgotten somebody..when you can look back at the things you've said or written and laugh. i think i just laughed at my foolishness right now or well i don't really know but i just think its funny. when time passes and you can look back at the bad memories and laugh well thats when you know you've moved on forward....everytime i move forward though i still wonder where do those feelings that you had go to, what place are they saved at. Everytime i ever felt anything for someone it was truly sincere. I can't imagine how something like that could possibly just disappear. Now that i really think about it i guess for me they never do disappear they just..change.

Remember When....

I haven't posted anything here in about almost 2 months. I got tired of writing letters to my king and tired of being disappointed by every man that I met. Queen was done and meeting guys now I find myself unable to let go. Sorry, if I just decided that being that nice girl wasn't taking me far. Wale just put it all together, this song is too real....

reading my book

THIS IS ME: "a very compassionate person who trys to front like shes big and bad.. deep down you love attention but u dont like it from just anyone.. so u dont really accept it when people give it to u.... ur funny and u like someone else who can be that while just being themself.. u love a man thats ambitious bc u have your own goals in life and u need someone to go stride for stride with u... your very competitive but u love a man who can be just as if not more competitive than you because thats an overbearing trait for passive men.... i know this isnt about me but i think u would love for me to be closer because i am what u like in a man.. its just the distance makes it difficult... u love being spontaneous but you are very very selective with when and how u go about that fun..u wish u could find someone similar to you"

i had to copy and paste this onto my blog! hes dope for this one.got a hand clap and everything live on skype lol..i couldn't believe how he completely read me right on through im so grateful to have met him on spring break in florida. guys im only looking at him as a friend relax! lol..but he is funny i peeped the way he tried to be slick and sneak that lil line in there. We are very honest with each other though and he knows the deal and were both realistic>>we are states apart from each other so that could never work out.

the classsics

TRUTH

i accepted it.
his name was being written on my heart...i found the answer hidden underneath the layers of pride which i bear.

You told me you still felt for me but how is that possible when you can go and be with someone else. You tell me you don't want to lose me. However, if you also truly meant it when you said that we should keep moving on with our lives and see where time takes us than how do you expect for me to stay. I can only keep moving if I let you go. I'm so sorry that you may not realize how much it hurts to do this but I have to say bye to us. I wished that you could have noticed all that I had for you. It was right in front of you but I just can't wait for you. I know you told me your parents story of how people break apart but the feelings always stay the same. I know you wanted a real love like that. For me, I found it with you. I didn't expect for it to happen either or for it to be so soon in my life. I just don't think that all real loves need to pass a test of time in order to be true. Some just happen that way right from the beginning and its better to let it fluorish. Then, to just see it all go to waste. I can only hope the best for you and that you will find exactly what you are looking for.
Goodbye Rodrigo<3

Art C.P.R.

Scorpio Essence
"I have the emotional capacity of a murderer and a dreamer. My anger is unyielding in any force field I choose. My pain makes my lungs shrivel up and unleashes vigorous forces of gravity on the muscles that lift the corner of my lips. I promise you that you wont ever find another lover like me where passion is the only consistency flowing throughout my veins and apathy is the only adjective lacking in my brain and sometimes I wish everyone felt this way"

Excerpt-I Call Him My Dying King:
"I fill mounds of scrap paper and files of this over-sentimental bullshit that parades through me. My eyes are dry from reading excerpts upon excerpts of my own words repeated with synonyms. I have an incapability to not repeat the past and I have no idea how to change my footing..."

The Perfect Words

"In time, the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let it go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong, I’d write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then, you’d gone on with your life and I didn’t want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn’t ever want to lose that."

- The Notebook.

its not that im afraid, its that sometimes you have to know when its time to give up

I forgot to write that it turns out he didn't stand me up. There was a valid reason. Hes an interesting person. We been gettin together with our friends and chillin alot these past few days. Im really just coolin though and just having fun. As of now though everything I said about guys in my last post is still the same. I've decided to honestly stop hoping for anything anymore. They fail all too frequently and im sick of trying. All im looking for is a friendship with this guy nothing more.

EMPTY BOTTLE OF HOPE

i definitely just got stood up for the first time. i was supposed to hang out with this guy hes cool and were always running into each other. well, he hit me up and we were txtin and made plans to chill. the last thing he asked was how to get to my house and i gave him the directions. After that, i told him to let me know when hes on his way. He never responded and i sent him another message like im bettin ur ass went home to change cause he was at work when we were txtin. Yeaup its been 2 hours, he didn't hit me back up to say anything and he didn't show up. Thats nice. I really just never thought guys would go as far as to do something like that. Like damn, at least say no you can't chill or something. It just surprises me after all the shit i've been through. Guys never fail to disappoint. I think i dont even care anymore love is bullshit. Im going back to sticking to my original plan. I'm just gonna get my career set have my own beautiful condo with a nice view. A rocking chair, a dog, a big kitchen, wine, and some good books. I'm not getting married. I don't want that crap anymore. I will not speak to guys on a level other than friendship and I am pushing away anyone who tries to get close. Sorry but i don't want that anymore. FUK A KING. THIS IS SUPER QUEEN!

Destiny

two of my favorite artist put together into one track=MAGIC<3
i already loved the song but with Drake finally hopin on the track it just got the added touch it nededed to be completely official.



Drake's Verse -

Taz keeps telling me he just turned thirty
having dreams of being single forever he's getting worried
and im SCARED too because im in the same boat
good women are RARE too, none of them have came close
Me i haven't changed much
you know how i play it better safe then sorry
instead of searching for substance at every single party
baby being part of this life i feel like im bound to end up with somebody that's been with everybody
I need you to rescue me from my destiny
im trying to live right and give you whatever is left of me
cause you know life is what we make it
and a chance is like a picture it'd be nice if you just take it
or let me take it for ya, im just down to ride
or we can just roll around the city till you finally decide
got more then a thing for you, tattoo and ink for you
right over my heart , girl ill do the unthinkable

I Just Hope You Miss Me A Little When Im Gone

I miss him right now. I know moments like this will happen but I will overcome them. A time will come where I won't miss him anymore.



"i was planning on being something worth mentioning,energy invested in someone i saw potential in"

El Amor De Abuelita..The Love of a Grandmother

Tonight, my grandmother called me while i was layin about in my room. She was alone in her apartment and she wasn't tired so she wanted to talk and hit me up. I thought it was so cute. Well as always grandma started to talk to me about the old days and about when she was my age. I enjoy listening to her stories though and I always pay close attention. Even though times have changed most situations that occur tend to be the same. She told me about how easier it was when a guy talked to a girl. In her country, the guy would visit the girls house and they would sit in the front and just talk. They didn't really go out on dates and of course there wasn't any cellphones or txting. All you had was that home phone lol. Now things are more complicated. My grandma believes these days its rare for anyone to believe in long term love. Now if my grandma says this then it must be serious. However, im still keeping the hope alive. The rest of our conversation i ended up telling her about the guy i been trying to get over. She knows him already though cause he met my entire family. I told her what recently happened and the whole situation. The advice she went on to give me was so valuable and refreshing. She told me that it doesn't matter if a man knows you end up talking to another man. He won't wonder off to another girl, he will do watever it is to conquer you and take you away from him. I had thought maybe it was my fault that he decided to be with that girl. That in someway maybe i pushed him because he could have been talking to her but only made the choice to take things more seriously once he heard i was talking to someone else. However, my grandma made it clear that whenever a man really cares for a woman he will do whatever he needs to have/keep her. My grandma believes love is already rare so her views are a bit pessimistic. She went on though and said she doesn't feel he cares that much for me. "No te supo valora solamente te tiene de reserva y esta por ahi picando..el es una picaflor"-He didn't know how to appreciate me when i was there for him with open arms. He just has me as a standby while he roams free jumpin between women (that was the most literal translation i could give). Ethier way grandma motivated me to let go of it already completely. She gave me that extra push i needed to just forget him. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. I'm done trying.

he never knew...

so i went from bein on skype to wonderin about him and reflectin back to all the conversations we use to have there which then ALL lead me to this funny lil button which read from the beginning i clicked it and out popped up all the chat conversations we ever had a skype all the way from the beginning. I could have closed it and not read it but i was curious. Oh the things curiosity will do to a person smh. As i sat there and read everything through i laughed at all the funny things we would talk about and smiled at the things he would say to let me know everything was ok or to make me feel better. I wore the same smile I had when I was falling for him. That smile was the start of everything. I kept reading on and on. We would talk about everything..school, money, our futures, our families, work, religion, and politics. how much american culure sucks! After reading all of it, I just don't get it. I try to make sense out of it but I just don't understand. I don't get how we could of had such a strong connection and then he can just go and be with someone else. How does he even commit to somebody else like that? I hope he truly is happy. I really am sorry for having dealt with everything in such an immature manner when things were starting to get serious. I shouldn't have held back I should of been straight up with him but i was never fake. I never played any games with him and I was truly sincere. I opened up myself to him but I was afraid of that feeling I would get whenever I was around him. I would run from it inside. I should of just faced it and took the chance. Now its all done and over with. All that just gone to waste and he will never know that I was so close to thinking he was the ONE for me. He told me he wanted to be my king and he never found out that I actually wanted to be his Queen. All i have left now are the memories and i will never forget him.

"sometimes you just need to start again in order to fly"

Makin Space

Dear King,

I thought about how I haven't written to u in a while. I was so busy with school over the semester but it was well worth it. Of course, I managed to bang out another nice ass GPA. Your queen has a big brain! LOL :) Everything is going great in my life as far as school, work, and all that other stuff. Just a bit of a mess in my current love department. But you probably realize by now how so common that is for me until of course I met you and things came together and made sense. Its all a process though you know u live and u learn. I am smart but im not perfect. Btw if I don't already tell you this enough I want u to know how much I truly do appreciate you in my life considering im a handful to deal with lol. I have the strangest mood swings hahaa but thanks for your patience babe! :P<3 Just today I cut things off with this guy I had been talking to but it wasn't like he did anything wrong. On the contrary, everything was going fine and he treated me really good. We had one incident but after that he apologized and changed completely. The reason I let him go though was because as good as things were I just wasn't really feeling that connection with him partially due to the fact that I still hold feelings for someone else. So that doesn't make it any better. I still need to move on somewhat from this other guy. I been trying for a while and I thought things were good till I talk to him again and then im like fuk i still like u alot. All that must change now though cause he just got a new girlfriend so after thinking alot of things through and all the things he said to me, I decided its best to let go of that too. Im not holding on to it anymore. It wouldn't make sense he fell for someone else and hes happy. Why would I keep waiting around like a fool. So im saying bye to everyone and doin it solo dolo. Im alone but im happy though babe :)<3. Everyday is a steppin stone closer to you and me finding each other. I don't know where u are rite now or what your going through but I promise that when you find me I will be there for you and I will wash away all the pain ever inflicted on your heart. These letters help me to continue having hope and give me a form of release for all the love I carry inside. It's all just waiting until you find me so it can burst out and share it with you. Im not really patient that's my problem. But im workin on that now<3 Goodnite My KING :)


I LOVE YOU

I finally found my way

Hey Everyone!

It's been a while since I've written but I just been really busy. Everything is going good though I can't complain. You know how it is everyday another new learned lesson in life. I'm very content though with my life at the moment. I'm keeping up the positive mentality and focusing on my priorities. I've calmed down alot as far as not trying to control everything in my life and just letting things rock. I'm just living and finding the good in the bad. Things have become easier for me to deal with these days with the new attitude I've attained. I don't complain about things, I just lovee it!! :)...I do feel as though there really aren't enough hours in a day to do everything I would like to do lol..but yes thats something else we'll have to work on. Well I'm off I'll be on this more frequently over the next few days with updated details and such. Goodnite!

Peace, Love, and Happiness<3

He was my short story

I just don't get why forgetting you is harder than I thought it would be it's usually easy for me to move on and get over people .. What kills me the most is that u seem to have forgot about me so easily<3

here we go again ..

uh-lalala the wonders of life..I just lie in amazement at the way things work out. I must announce theres this new guy lol. I know I really thought I was done. However, shit! hahaha things just happen out of no where. I am still the AlphaFemale and I still have the same plans to live it up this year. My adventures start this weekend I'm going club hopping in the city with my 21 ID YAY :) were talkin Marquee, Greenhouse, M2 Ultralounge, Pink Elephant, and 40/40. MONEY TO BLOW&BOTTLES POPPIN<3..

(I have many surprises coming up)